I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
