Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
