john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
