I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I hate all girls vehemently.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
