I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
we're so committed to being not committed
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
