I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
