You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
