just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
