I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
