Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
