im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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