broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
