How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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