Fuck appropriateness.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
