just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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