Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I think my moral compass just broke
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
