I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
