I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
