I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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