Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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