guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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