How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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