I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
