that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
