my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
