bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
