Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
