I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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