apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
