Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
