The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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