you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
