I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
