How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
