I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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