Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
