you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
