happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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