I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
