Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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