There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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