my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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