I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
