so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
