I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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