my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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