dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
