I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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