There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
