I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
