I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm sobbing to NWA
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
