We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
